It could certainly be worse. Parts of this 4 part series on youtube put tears in my eyes...
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
It's Been a While, I wish I'd Been Less Confused by Now
I've been reading a lot of bi sites. websites that have lots of info with great people that are more than willing to help, share, talk when a person has trouble, whatever. Those sites have been wonderful.
The one thing I cannot seem to shake is the one thing that I see questions asked about on most bi websites, and that is the question of fluidity. Of course I first thought that I might be the only one, but I have learned after much reading that this type of coming and going is quite common. I see many bi guys that can label themselves quite easily when it comes to their attraction between men/women to be something like 20/80, 30/70, 40/60, 50/50, 60/40, 70/40, 80/20, and more in either direction and in between. Of course I can label myself one of these fractions, one of these fucking numbers, but the damn things change every damn day. It seems like I fluctuate between 40/80 to 80/40 every 5 to 10 weeks. I feel like a bag blowing in the wind right now, wishing I could settle somewhere. Though, as soon as I settle for a second, another gust comes by and picks me up and shuffles me along. It's certainly frustrating. I guess this is life though. It scares me though. A relationship seems like such a task to undertake when I feel like that bag, flowing around in the wind.
I guess I need to just get used to it, the calm wind will probably never come. However, if that is the case, where do I go from here?........
The one thing I cannot seem to shake is the one thing that I see questions asked about on most bi websites, and that is the question of fluidity. Of course I first thought that I might be the only one, but I have learned after much reading that this type of coming and going is quite common. I see many bi guys that can label themselves quite easily when it comes to their attraction between men/women to be something like 20/80, 30/70, 40/60, 50/50, 60/40, 70/40, 80/20, and more in either direction and in between. Of course I can label myself one of these fractions, one of these fucking numbers, but the damn things change every damn day. It seems like I fluctuate between 40/80 to 80/40 every 5 to 10 weeks. I feel like a bag blowing in the wind right now, wishing I could settle somewhere. Though, as soon as I settle for a second, another gust comes by and picks me up and shuffles me along. It's certainly frustrating. I guess this is life though. It scares me though. A relationship seems like such a task to undertake when I feel like that bag, flowing around in the wind.
I guess I need to just get used to it, the calm wind will probably never come. However, if that is the case, where do I go from here?........
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Hi, I'm Secular Bi Guy
Welcome to my new blog. Since this is my first post, I figure that I should say something about myself and my reasons for starting this blog. For the time being you can call me Secular Bi Guy. I'm still closeted to most of the people I know, and that is why I've started this blog, as a way to talk about my bisexuality as well as issues that are of interest to the bi-community in general.
I'm a couple years under 30 years old. I live in Texas, in an especially conservative area of an already very conservative area of the country. That taken in to account, along with the facts that I am a liberal, atheist, bisexual guy, and one can probably see why I have had a bit of difficulty finding a way to discuss my sexuality.
I was raised strongly religious and conservative. Being raised that way probably has quite a bit to do with why it took me so long to face my own sexuality. I was raised to believe that homosexuality was an abomination, a horrible sin, and a huge cause of disease and pain in the world. Being raised with those types of ideas I was quite homophobic as a young man growing up, being of the opinion that homosexuality was akin to a disease or a mental disorder. The only difference being that this type of mental disorder made you a bad person. Being raised to think in this way, any feelings that may have emerged from time to time as I was growing up were not only ignored, but denied and suppressed to such an extent that I convinced myself that they did not exist at all. In my opinion, my suppressing of these feelings in such a way was really a type of defense mechanism. I say that because if I had forced myself to face my homosexual desires at that time, it would probably have pushed me into quite a bit of depression and I might have ended up as another statistic, just another teenager who committed suicide because he couldn't handle being something that everyone around him hated. So, for that reason I guess that I should be glad that I had the ability to suppress it to such an extent. At the same time though, I find it very sad that I had to suffocate part of myself for so many years. This suffocation and denial certainly did lead to a lot of confusion, as well as depression in it's own right, especially in more recent years.
There is immensely more that can be said about all of this, which I'm sure I will go into in future posts. One thing that I would like to say now is that until this year, until I faced and accepted my sexuality, before I came out to myself and a couple other human beings, I was suffocating a part of myself. And now that I have accepted myself for who I am, a bisexual man, I have felt as if a part of my lungs that has been cut off my entire life, never receiving oxygen before now, is finally open and getting the oxygen that it needs for the first time in my life. I mean, I know it is metaphorical, but it literally feels like I am breathing deeper and with a fullness that I have never felt before now. I may still be confused about some things, and there is still plenty of self discovery to go before I will have a more complete understanding of my sexuality and be comfortable enough to be more open about it with those around me. However, this feeling of breathing deeper and embracing all of who I am as an individual has certainly been refreshing. Sometimes a bit scary, but I am constantly discovering that all those fears were unfounded and that being honest with myself is the best thing I could have ever done.
Sooooooooooo...I hope that some will find this blog interesting enough to follow. A also hope that some will be compelled to share their thoughts and feelings about the topics I will discuss here. If you have any questions that you would like me to address, feel free to leave them in the comments, or even to email them to me and I may make a new blog post to answer them.........
I'm a couple years under 30 years old. I live in Texas, in an especially conservative area of an already very conservative area of the country. That taken in to account, along with the facts that I am a liberal, atheist, bisexual guy, and one can probably see why I have had a bit of difficulty finding a way to discuss my sexuality.
I was raised strongly religious and conservative. Being raised that way probably has quite a bit to do with why it took me so long to face my own sexuality. I was raised to believe that homosexuality was an abomination, a horrible sin, and a huge cause of disease and pain in the world. Being raised with those types of ideas I was quite homophobic as a young man growing up, being of the opinion that homosexuality was akin to a disease or a mental disorder. The only difference being that this type of mental disorder made you a bad person. Being raised to think in this way, any feelings that may have emerged from time to time as I was growing up were not only ignored, but denied and suppressed to such an extent that I convinced myself that they did not exist at all. In my opinion, my suppressing of these feelings in such a way was really a type of defense mechanism. I say that because if I had forced myself to face my homosexual desires at that time, it would probably have pushed me into quite a bit of depression and I might have ended up as another statistic, just another teenager who committed suicide because he couldn't handle being something that everyone around him hated. So, for that reason I guess that I should be glad that I had the ability to suppress it to such an extent. At the same time though, I find it very sad that I had to suffocate part of myself for so many years. This suffocation and denial certainly did lead to a lot of confusion, as well as depression in it's own right, especially in more recent years.
There is immensely more that can be said about all of this, which I'm sure I will go into in future posts. One thing that I would like to say now is that until this year, until I faced and accepted my sexuality, before I came out to myself and a couple other human beings, I was suffocating a part of myself. And now that I have accepted myself for who I am, a bisexual man, I have felt as if a part of my lungs that has been cut off my entire life, never receiving oxygen before now, is finally open and getting the oxygen that it needs for the first time in my life. I mean, I know it is metaphorical, but it literally feels like I am breathing deeper and with a fullness that I have never felt before now. I may still be confused about some things, and there is still plenty of self discovery to go before I will have a more complete understanding of my sexuality and be comfortable enough to be more open about it with those around me. However, this feeling of breathing deeper and embracing all of who I am as an individual has certainly been refreshing. Sometimes a bit scary, but I am constantly discovering that all those fears were unfounded and that being honest with myself is the best thing I could have ever done.
Sooooooooooo...I hope that some will find this blog interesting enough to follow. A also hope that some will be compelled to share their thoughts and feelings about the topics I will discuss here. If you have any questions that you would like me to address, feel free to leave them in the comments, or even to email them to me and I may make a new blog post to answer them.........
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